Everyday, he would wake up with a great smile, crawl on the branch he called home, and ate lots of apples like Richard Scary said he should. Billy's life was, generally speaking, good.
I mean, Billy could stand to lose a little weight, or get a better job, but then again, it's not like he's Jesus the caterpillar.
So Billy lived his like this in great contentment until one day he met a beautiful girlie black widow with a really huge thorax.
You should have seen the size of her thorax. It was awe inspiring.
He met her on a sunny day on a discarded child's lollypop. The child, called "Cindy" now because she's in the witness protection program, lost it in a fight with a boy who aggravated her by pulling her hair. She retaliated by punching him in the nose, pinning him down as she beat him around the face with a bag of oranges and then removed one and a half of his testicles with a wooden spoon.
Some wonder why she changed identities so often.
So Billy met this lady spider and nicknamed her "Blackie." She thought it was sweet, because her exoskeleton was predominately black (and it made him seem observant) but what she didn't know is that Billy was also a Confederate racist. But since Lucy, which was the spider's real name, was part of a younger generation, the term no longer held its racist meaning because she was tolerant and accepting. The racist version of the word also happened to be a bit dated so she never heard it in a derogatory sense before and since the world was a more tolerant place than it was 50 years ago, there was no problem.
None-the-less, Billy proved to be a very sweet caterpillar to Lucy, even if he was an intolerant jackass. Not to say that such nicknames should be accepted from people, but Billy was a racist caterpillar and also not human.
When they finally started dating, though, Lucy turned into a bitch. She nagged him, called him a fat example of phallic imagery, and wouldn't ever make him a sandwich.
This depressed Billy endlessly. But mostly what depressed him is that halfway through their romance, she stopped putting out.
So one night Billy found himself arguing with Lucy with a shotgun in his mouth.
(Don't try this at home).
The argument eventually escalated to the point where Billy felt justified in hitting her in the head with the back end of the gun. This instantly lowered her IQ three points, effectively making her "mentally challenged" and fond of drooling.
However, a bitch is still a bitch, so Billy's problems didn't end. She kept on doing as she had been, and NOT doing as she once had. So Billy proceeded to make himself his own "rec room" in the basement and stayed there for a long time. When he emerged, he was a handsome butterfly. He announced that he could do much better than Lucy and proceeded to leave her forever.
As he was leaving, though, Lucy mentioned that she took a survey of people on the street who all agreed that Billy was butt ugly for a homosexual. This news depressed him because Lucy also mentioned that he wasn't gay and made an additional point that there was nothing wrong with such a lifestyle (which the random people agreed with). However, the random people and insects she talked to were all surprised to learn he wasn't a flaming homo, because by societal norms and stereotypes, he appeared to be.
Granted, Lucy did Photoshop the picture in question to make it look like Billy was making out with Elton John in the middle of performing "Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat," but forgot to mention that. None-the-less, with Billy's background and upbringing, he couldn't take the insult to his pigeon-holed definition of masculinity. He proceeded to get sloppy drunk and, quite purposely, blow his brains across the bathroom wall of a seedy local dive.
The end.
